


It Kills Me

by smalltofuangel



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post Season 2, Realization of Feelings, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 15:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11534670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smalltofuangel/pseuds/smalltofuangel
Summary: Shiro's been back for about a month and a half. Everyone has gone back to their usual routine.Except Keith.





	It Kills Me

**Author's Note:**

> We all saw the post it note. We all know what this is about. I was inspired by it to write this on a whim. I apologize for any grammar/capitalization errors.

They got shiro back. They can form voltron again. The missing piece in their team was once again filled and all were glad to go on and move past from the stressful period of time when shiro was missing. 

Except Keith.

Ever since panic ran through him as he dashed towards the black lion to see if Shiro made it out okay. Ever since Keith saw that he had once again lost shiro to the never ending void of space, he was regressing back to how he was when he saw the news plastered everywhere he looked that the garrison mission failed and shiro was presumed dead. 

Keith wasn't the same when shiro disappeared. And it didn't get better when they found him again.

There were hugs and a few tears shared among the team with discovering that shiro was in fact still alive. There were “don't ever disappear on us again”s and the whole atmosphere within the castle lightened with the team together again.

During this, it was easy to overlook that Keith remained quiet and was in some sort of emotional limbo. Of course Keith was happy to see shiro was back. It was all he hoped for, but a part inside him was screaming and trying to break its way out and crumble his facade. The part of him he's kept away since his days at the garrison when he and shiro met and became each other's best allies. The part of him that was crushed when he was gone, absolutely overjoyed when shiro was back. The part of himself he has to always remind himself is okay to have and is absolutely valid, but unfortunately has to never be revealed to anyone for as long as he can help it. 

After the first few days of Shiro's return, when the emotional atmosphere subsided to its usual serenity, Shiro noticed. He noticed Keith would disappear on his own for hours to god knows where. Keith would stay silent at dinner, his banter from the past subdued in favor of his unsettling silence. At first Keith dismissed the concerns from everyone by saying he wasn't feeling well, but days turned into weeks and now its been a month and a half and Shiro has yet to see the Keith whose eyes sparkled at the promise of adventure, at figuring out a new fighting technique that could be used in future missions. Keith was now secluding himself and no longer fighting back whenever Lance tried to rile him up with his witty insults. 

Lance and Hunk figured Keith was going through some kind of phase, whatever it may be, and hoped that with time Keith would return to his old self. Pidge, being as observant as they were, analyzed his behavior. Remembering the point in time of the fail of the garrison mission, and realizing that his behavior isn't new at all. It's all too familiar now. 

“Shiro we need to talk.”

Shiro looked as Pidge walked in through the door of the main room of the castle. He was expecting something like this to happen. He figured that the only other person to notice Keith’s shift as a warning sign would be Pidge. 

“It’s about Keith isn't it? He's been...distant from all of us lately. I don't know what happened while I was gone, but I'm getting worried about him and about the future of voltron.” Pidge fidgeted a bit and said, “this isn't the first time that Keith has acted like this.” 

Shiro visibly tensed, he was starting to see where this was going. “Right after it was announced that the mission failed and my father, brother, and you were dead; Keith was kicked out of the garrison soon after.” Pidge thought about what they were going to say next, “this is something only me and him have talked about, seeing that we were going through similar situations back then, but how you see Keith now is how he was after you disappeared the first time. He flew off the handle at superiors, he just knew that you had to still be alive. He tried to sneak into the offices and find any information he could about the mission that wasn't revealed to the public. Except he ended up getting caught.” Shiro could easily fill in the blanks from there. Keith got expelled due to “behavior problems” which were the fact that his defiance and distrust in the garrison caused him to get kicked out. Keith then led his own investigation and that’s how he knew when and where to rescue him on that day they were reunited again. 

Shiro finally spoke, “so what you're saying is that he's going through the same emotional battle as he was before? If he is then we need to find a way to help him out of it, I don't want this to cause tensions within the team and put them at risk on missions.”

“Keith won't have any problems with the rest of us, because you're the only one he hasn't been able to look at since you've come back.” 

Shiro knew at that moment that he was the only one who could fix this. He had to bring back Keith and make things right between them.

“Pidge do you know where I can find Keith right now?”

Pidge thought to themselves for a bit, “I think I last saw him going towards his room, I’d try seeing if he was there.”

Shiro started walking towards the door on his way to find Keith, but as he was almost out Pidge grabbed him by the arm and said, “please be careful with him, he’s in a really emotionally vulnerable situation right now. Know that anything you say to him will be taken a lot more seriously than you may think.” And with that Pidge let him go on his search. 

 

Pidge was right. Shiro got to Keith's door and knocked twice before a muffled “come in” had him opening the door. He saw Keith lying with his face stuffed into his pillow. Shiro would have laughed at how funny Keith looked in that position if it weren't for his nerves getting in the way of all other thoughts. 

“Hey Keith, can we talk?”

Keith’s head shot up as he quickly turned around to see Shiro leaning against the closed door. He was not expecting Shiro to be the one coming to his door looking for him, especially to “talk”. Keith was worried about where this was going to go. He was worried he wouldn't be able to control his emotions now that he was in such a small space with Shiro alone. 

Shiro saw Keith hesitate before he saw him nod and made room for him next to him on his bed. “What do you want to talk to me about?” 

“I want to talk about what's going on between us. I've just noticed that you haven't been yourself lately and I'm worried about you.” Keith tensed, “I'm sorry to have worried you but I promise I'm fine I'm just not feeling well is all.” “Keith it's been a month or so of you not feeling well, we all know that it's a lot more serious than you want us to believe.” Keith did not want to talk about this now. He wasn't ready for this conversation, for what he might do if Shiro kept looking at him with those kind eyes that showed that he was genuinely worried about Keith's well being. “Look Keith, if it's because of what happened, I'm sorry. I know it was scary for everyone not knowing where I was but I'm back now and I just-”

“Shiro you can act like you know how everyone feels but you can't know how things were for me! You don't think I'm tired of feeling this way? I don't want to be like this. I wish I could be like everyone else and act like nothing happened but I can’t Shiro.” Keith’s voice wavered a bit and he took a moment to regain his strength, “you can't know how I felt, it was more than just ‘scary’”.

“Then let me know Keith, tell me how you felt. I thought we were close enough to let each other know about how we were feeling. I thought we were past the ‘pretending I'm okay but I'm really not’ phase here.” Keith looked Shiro in the eye, “I can't let you know that's the thing. I don't want you to know how I felt. I don't want to burden you and I don't want to be selfish!”  
Keith looked down at his hands, anywhere but at Shiro. He couldn't see his face, not now. His eyes were burning with the tears that were threatening to spill over along with everything he's been holding inside for the past year. “I don't want you to never speak to me again. I can't lose you again. I was scared that during the trials of the marmora you would notice. I don't know whether to be happy or upset at how dense you can be with these things.” Shiro was now confused at where this conversation was going.

“What things Keith? Please stop being so vague with me I don't think anything could make me never talk to you again. I just want to be there for your Keith, I want to help with what's going on with you right now.” 

“I don't think you can help me with this Shiro, I don't think-” Shiro cut off Keith right there, “you think Keith, that's what you think. That doesn't mean it's what's going to happen. Please believe me when I tell you that I will be here for you unconditionally.”

Keith remained quiet, still looking at his hands folded in his lap. The silence in the room has deafening. Shiro was worried that he ruined any chances he had of Keith opening up to him ever. Keith took in a deep breath and began speaking. “Every moment when you were gone, it hurt Shiro, it hurt so much. It was killing me. Not knowing whether you were going to ever come back, you're the closest thing I've ever known to feeling like I was home. Everyone tried to stay positive, but I know it was all bullshit.”

“When we were at the garrison, and you told me about how excited you were to go on the mission, to explore space and finally conquer your dreams; I was so happy but I couldn't help but feel sad at knowing you wouldn't be around. You promised you'd come back. When the news broke out that the mission failed, everyone believed it. Everyone just knew that you were dead, but I couldn't do it. You promised me, and damn it Takashi Shirogane never breaks his promises. I tried so hard to move on, but I couldn't help feeling like this was all too wrong. I couldn't trust anyone there, I couldn't stand everyone talking about how much of a shame it was that you died when you were so young and so talented.”

Shiro remained silent as he heard Keith speak. As if he could even say anything at all, he was rendered speechless at hearing Keith’s most honest feelings. “If they couldn't help me find you, I would do anything I could to prove them all wrong. They all tried to make me feel ridiculous for not believing you were dead, but they didn't know you like I did. They didn't know that you wouldn't fight as hard as you could.” 

“I spent months alone trying to find you. Sometimes the weight of all the bad things that have happened since you left would get too much and I would consider giving up. But I couldn't. Because if anything you taught me to never give up on things that are worth it, and for me you were worth it all.”

Keith got quiet again. Shiro looked at Keith and noticed that he was visibly shaking. He was trying to hold back tears as he prepared himself for what he was going to say next. “The day I saw you, after months and months of looking for you, I felt as if it was like coming home. You suffered so much being captured by the Galra, but you were still the guy I looked up to and loved and I couldn't feel glad enough that I never gave up on saving you. I felt like myself again knowing that you were here with me.” Shiro heard Keith begin to sniffle and hiccup as he tried to not let himself cry. He couldn't cry yet when there was so much he had to say still. “When we got stranded on that planet and you were hurt, and you told me that if anything ever happened to you to take over the black lion for voltron, I wanted to punch you. You made it seem like it would be so easy for me to replace you. I could never replace the feeling you give me. I could never fill the void you would leave behind if you ever disappeared again.” Keith’s voice cracked as hot tears began spilling down his cheeks. Shiro felt the immense guilt of making someone who appeared to be so emotionally grounded absolutely fall apart. Shiro didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. He chose to wrap his arm around Keith and rub his shoulders in order to console him. Out of all the time he's known Keith, this is the first time he's seen him cry. Not even when Keith told him about him being orphaned at a young age did he cry like this. 

“When the trials of marmora happened, and the suit made me see an apparition of you, I was scared. I was scared you would notice how much I wanted you. I thought I was done for and all I wanted to do was to be able to tell you how I've felt so that I would go on with no regrets. I couldn't do it. I never really could, the timing was never right.” Shiro stilled his hand as he took in this information. Keith was confessing, to him. Keith had romantic feelings, for him. Shiro felt a pang of guilt for never realizing it himself, never noticing how when things went wrong Keith would always be the first to ask if he was still okay. 

Keith began speaking again, “I was so scared you would realize about the depth of my feelings for you so I told you that I saw you as a brother. That was the lie I told that I regret I ever did because it felt like sandpaper when it came out of my mouth. I saw you as more than that. I loved you Shiro. I still do.” Keith began hiccuping again as he started getting emotional during his confession. Shiro continued to hold Keith, it was the most he could do as Keith began to continue speaking. “When we found out I was half Galra i thought you would hate me. I expected you to absolutely resent me. I would've understood seeing how you were tortured so much by them, but you didn't hate me. After everything you were the only one to absolutely accept me and understand that no matter what, you stayed with me for who I was not what I was. The last time I saw you before you disappeared I wanted to tell you, I wanted to confess all the love I had for you for everything you did for me. But with tensions high in the castle after everyone found out I was part Galra, I didn't want to risk it for myself. So I waited for until we got back.” Shiro felt Keith begin to shake in his arms, “except you didn't come back Shiro. You were gone, again.” Shiro felt the prickling of tears begin to form in his eyes, the fact that he hurt Keith like this was something that he never intended to do. He knew that Keith did not blame him, but his fear of abandonment and his fear of losing Shiro was why Keith was so broken up about everything that had happened in the past few months. Keith began with a shaky voice, “I ran to your lion hoping to find you there, but you were gone. I looked everywhere for you, everyone was standing aside just staring at me going in a frenzy trying to find you. In my head I was yelling at myself, ‘why is this happening again, why didn't I try harder to save you’ but none of it would help to bring you back.” 

“Shiro I know that life has been crazy for you especially, which is why I never wanted to tell you how I felt about you. I didn't want to burden you with my feelings when you were dealing with your own demons. But I love you so much, so much that it kills me when you disappear and when you talk about possibly disappearing again. I can't stand it. Seeing you sound so defeated makes me wonder if there's any hope for me to help you in the end. I want to make you feel as secure as you make me feel. I want to be the one you would travel galaxies for, because I would do that for you; I would do anything for you.”

Shiro chose this moment to speak, “you are Keith.” He felt his throat tighten up and a tear fall down his cheek as he rushed to wipe it away, “you were that person for me Keith. I care about you more than you let yourself believe, when I find out that you're okay after a rough mission I feel so relieved to still have you with me. Watching you get hurt and be in severe danger scares me, but I hold it together because I know that you would do the most to save me if I was in danger too.” Keith wrapped his arms around Shiro’s waist as he stuffed his face into Shiro’s chest, his tears dampening the material of his shirt. “Seeing you want me during the trials, and finding out you were part Galra, made me realize how unconditional my care was for you. Keith I know that you are part Galra, but I know that you would never be anything close to those that tortured me. You are the Keith that always worries about me, that always motivates me to grow stronger mentally and physically. You are the one that made me realize that I don't want to die out here, I don't want to leave this, I don't want to leave you.”

Shiro moved his hand up to stroke Keith’s hair. He held him tight against his chest as he moved his arm across his back. The feeling of Shiro consoling him helped Keith relax and soon his shaking stopped along with his tears. 

Keith moved away slightly so that he could look up at Shiro, his tear streaked and flushed cheeks didn't take away from his beauty. “I'm so sorry Shiro, I'm sorry for worrying you and everyone so much. You don't have to return my feelings, but please promise that you're not going to leave me because of how I feel about you. I don't think I could handle it.” 

Keith tried to hide his face away in Shiro’s chest again, but Shiro wasn't going to let him. Not this time, there was no more hiding. Keith was nothing but honest with him and now it was his turn. He gently took Keith's jaw into his hand and turned Keith to face him. He saw Keith’s eyes widen slightly and his cheeks darken, not knowing whether to run out the door or cry. 

“I don't know how to do this, but I owe it to you to be honest and what I'm trying to say now is that the way you are feeling now about me is how I feel about you. You don't ever have to apologize for your feelings and especially not now. I care about you so much and I want you to feel all the love that you deserve, because you are the most important person to me in my life. Leaving you is not an option, it's not even a consideration. I want you continue making you feel safe and the closest thing to being home. I want to be that salvation for you.” Shiro leaned down to gently kiss Keith on his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, “ I want us to make it out alive, I want to share all the moments that I can with you. If you will let me.”

Keith’s eyes started tearing up again, “of course I’ll let you Shiro, I couldn't say no to that if I tried.”

“I'm glad that you feel that way Keith...is it okay if I kiss you now?”

Keith answered him by wrapping his arms around Shiro’s neck and kissing him square on the mouth. Shiro smiled against Keith’s kiss before he began kissing him back with as much passion and enthusiasm. Shiro's hands wandered down to Keith’s lower back, not feeling the need to move further. For right now, they were both content with the soft kisses they shared and the soft sighs that Keith released when Shiro moved down the leave a few kisses down Keith's neck. Keith moved his hands to feel Shiro's undercut as he moved up to kiss along Keith’s jaw. 

With one last kiss they both pulled away and Shiro wondered if Keith wanted him to leave or stay. His questions was answered when Keith tugged him down to lay across his bed while he laid his head on his chest.

“Please stay with me, just for tonight Shiro.”

“I'll stay with you every night, every day, anytime you want me to Keith.”

A few minutes later Shiro felt Keith’s breaths even out as he fell asleep. Leaving a gentle kiss on his forehead, Shiro allowed himself to sleep as well.

He never wanted to leave.


End file.
